Commercial air travel just turned 100 years old. Most people fly and do not even think twice about it. It is very important to quickly understand the three main reasons people take commercial flights.
- To travel faster to another destination.
- Drinking as many small liquor bottles as possible
- Having sex in the bathroom and becoming a member of the Mile High Club not to be confused with the Mile High Foursome Club
Accomplishing goal # 1. is easy. Simply getting on the plane will allow you to travel to another destination. Like most things you probably have accomplished in your life, that feat can be done through inaction. However, the other two goals require hard work and dedication. Regardless of where you are sitting, within a few minutes of take off you should be able to order yourself a drink. If for religious or health reasons you do not drink, you should reconsider why you are on an airplane. Although the safest way to travel, for most people who get nervous when they fly, it is a good way to take off the edge. If you consider that stress is a bigger killer, than consumption.
Once you have a few drinks in you it is time to work on finding someone to have sex with you in the bathroom. This is far from easy, but not as complicated as one thinks. The average commercial plane carries a few hundred people. Which means there is at least 100 people of the opposite sex or depending on your preference the same sex. If you are bi-sexual, then you have the whole plane. In any large group of people there is someone who had a break up, has low self esteem, etc. Once you target them, you can signal to the bathroom and make it happen. Upon leaving the bathroom you will feel rejuvenated and your self respect will raise for at least 26 hours.
Air travel should always consist of getting on the plane, drinking, getting off on the plane and then getting off the plane. However, the assholes at Skymall do not want people to enjoy air travel. They want people to sit down and browse through their wonderful merchandise of shit you do not need and will never use. To make matters worse they recently developed this pillow product that makes it impossible to drink or have sex on the airplane. And who is this guy who models the Skymall pillow? We are willing to bet it is the inventor of this inflatable piece of garbage. This type of marketing has been done before. You always see the fat ass attorney or the mediocre wife of the car dealer trying to do their own commercials. Here at Chris Zelig we would like to personally thank you Skymall and Dumb Ass guy who invented/models the SkyRest Travel pillow. If air travel had not become nearly unbearable, you come in and make it worse.